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Thursday, November 17, 2011

Let it be

Today's challenge:

Let It Be. What’s something that bothers you or weighs on you? Let it go. Talk out the letting go process and how you’re going to be better to yourself for it.
Sad to say, my weight is what has always weighed on me. I was a chubby child who grew into a really fat child and extra-large adult. At my heaviest I was challenging 300 pounds. Not that I was checking at that time, or not too often anyway. How do I let this go? I don't let it go completely. I don't know any way to do that, and believe me I've tried.

What I can let go is the belief that my weight defines anything at all about who I am. I have made this a mantra, frankly, and I repeat it often. I discourage cheering when I lose weight and I try to show up when I gain. I know that part of my perception of how I am received is in my head, but I also know that part of it is fact. I can't ignore the actions of others when they spell out what they think, when they treat me with condescension or fail to include me in activities where they feel maybe I wouldn't fit in.

From childhood I have felt that I was not as good as those of normal weight. Other children, especially boys, helped me solidify these feelings. I became defensive and was especially sensitive to anything that seemed humiliating. Over the years I have let go of a lot of that! I am much less defensive now and I have even sought humiliation (that's for another post- another blog!). I am creeping up on the fat thing.

Letting go of consciousness of my weight has freed me from inhibitions, allowing me to jump into ballroom dance classes, kayaking, and other activities that could easily make me look ridiculous. I gave up a fear of looking ridiculous and gained some confidence. I go to the gym regularly, not caring how I compare to the fitness freaks (fortunately, there are a LOT of us in the same category).

Although I have not completely let go of the fat thing I have come far enough to realize significant gains: have been able to open up more, become more vulnerable and let more of life in. I look forward to more of that.

This post was written as part of NHBPM – 30 health posts in 30 days:

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