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Saturday, January 7, 2012


It seems like I am stuck. Suspended. No change, or change for the worse. I recall feeling less pain a week after surgery than I do now. Of course I was taking painkillers at the time and not feeling it all. But the memory haunts me, makes me wonder what I've done wrong.

There is no percentage to thinking like this. No gain to be had from dwelling on my disappointments.

But there might be a gain from listing them here. Listing them may help me free myself from them, from dwelling, and of course it will help down the line to see where I was at this point. Useful information.

Walking. I usually feel a tension, a tightness, in both legs, when I walk, and a part of that is a kind of pain in my right leg. I often now have more pain in my right hip and in my right foot than in my right knee. Seems like I might have expected that, given that I broke my foot in 12th grade, so it is a natural place for arthritis to thrive, and the arthritis in my right hip is well established. So I still walk in pain or in discomfort if not pain, but maybe the pain of my knee is the least of it.

Stiffness. I am very much aware of the stiffness in both knees when I do Aqua classes at the gym. We do a lot of exercises that call for raising my legs, kicking them, marching type moves, and more, and when we stretch at the end I can never grab my ankle when I bend my knee back. Either ankle.

The cane. I hate that I am so dependent on my cane. I thought I'd be tossing that thing out within a few weeks of the operation. But it hurts too much to go without it, most of the time.

Getting up. Still there is discomfort when I get up from sleeping or from sitting for a little while. I want so much to be able to jump out of bed without considering ahead of time how I am going to avoid pain.

Restless legs. Seems to be getting worse, happening during the day as well as night. It is mostly my right leg, though, which suggests that this condition might lessen as I get better, as the knee heels completely.

Getting in and out of the car. It still hurts. I can usually drive all right, without pain. Just getting in and out is hard.

My body is a cage. Let my body free. Let my spirit free.


oldladytina said...

For whatever it's worth, I remember from the fusion recoveries being in the same place. You are doing everything right- the body has it's own ideas sometimes of healing. You will keep progressing and you will look back and be able to see that. Not having help for pain is inhumane, in my opinion. Maybe you should get a second opinion?

Judith Lautner said...

Hi Tina,

I do recognize that this is just a time of treading water and that I will progress noticeably over time. That is part of the reason I write posts like this one - so I can see the change later.

My surgeon did renew my painkiller prescription. I am using it cautiously, rarely, am glad it is there for when I really need it. In general, though, I find that the medical professionals I work with, while compassionate, tend not to see ALL of me. Wouldn't it be nice?