A few days ago I left my cane behind. Not literally. It's still in my kitchen, getting in my way. But I decided to try walking around without it. My leg notices but I think I walk pretty well without it. I don't need to limp. As always, my concern is with my posture.
During the day I experience pain in little ways. When I put on my right sock and shoe (diminishing pain, happy to say). When I pull my leg into my car (just a little). Mostly I feel that tension that never goes away when I am on my feet. The therapist says we're gaining on it, on the straightness. I'm not sure; I think he may be delusional.
At night is where the pain rubber hits the road. I have trouble with restless leg - just the right leg - and often I awake with pain in my right knee. Sometimes it creeps down to my foot, sometimes the pain is more on the right side of the knee, sometimes the pain goes up the thigh. It is all the same, though, pain that is impossible to ignore. Oddly, if I sit on the edge of my bed for a few minutes, with my legs hanging over, the discomfort tends to go away. It doesn't usually stay away. If I get up and walk around that tends to help a lot. I just never feel like getting up and walking around. All I want is to get back to sleep. My resistance to what I know works knows no bounds.
In therapy I am still not entirely up to the former levels I used on the machines, but getting closer. I'm happy to wait. More often I find I have no pain on the hip machine, which is a really big deal to me.
Today's challenge is going to wear me out. I am going to Santa Barbara on a train with a bunch of other Aqua class members and friends. Once there we will walk around, do whatever we want, until the train leaves late in the afternoon. Many will shop. I see little shopping in my itinerary. The challenge for me will be to get through it. Finding enough places to sit down, making my way on the sidewalks to where I want to be. I am so often reminded that most of the things that are enjoyable to so many involve walking and standing. I admit I feel impatience that after three surgeries I am not there yet. I think back to the years when I could walk and walk forever. I want to do that again, to enjoy it, every step.